I haven’t written anything for a while. Life has been taking me for quite the little ride of late and I feel like it has swept me along like a marionette. I haven’t been able to get my bearings or know which way is up. I have been struggling with all my hats. The “me” hat seems to always get lost in the shuffle. Some days I just want to yell and scream to make it all stop.
Last year had so many ups and downs. My youngest graduated high school. My mom got cancer and got rid of the cancer but still passed away from COPD related issues. New granddaughter was born to my son and his lovely wife. My husband and I both lost our jobs early in the year but eventually found new ones.
I had been speaking to my mom a lot early last year and she reminded me that I hadn’t written anything since February. I thought about it and she was right, I hadn’t. We talked about that for a long while. I told her all that had been going on with me, and the family and she said that I needed to “get it in gear and start writing again”.
She reminded me that I need to make time for me and make my writing a prominent part of my day so that I can accomplish the goal I set out to last fall. As usual, she is right. I have been allowing all my other hats to take precedence over the very thing that I love to do just for me. Even my husband asks me how the writing is going. My excuse is always the same. When do I have time?
I did create a cozy space for myself to be in to write. I have my beautiful green walls, the glider I used to rock my daughter in 18+ years ago when she was born. While the room isn’t completely the way I want it yet, it is a start and still very calm and inviting to sit in, a very relaxing space with not a lot of noise.
Writing has always been an outlet for me. I feel like I am good at it. I am a bit too judgmental of myself. I need to cut that out. I need to write from the heart. Like William Forrester suggests, write from your heart, no thinking, that comes later. He was a very wise man. Yes, I know he is fictional, but good advice none-the-less.
I think overall I have maybe had a touch of fear in my heart that I maybe am not good enough or smart enough or that I didn’t know as much about things as other authors. How can I compete with the Stephen King’s and Danielle Steele’s of the world? You know, fear of failure. What if I try and fail. Well some would say, better to try and fail than to never try at all. I think mom would agree with that.
While it is true, it is still a scary thing to think about. What happens if I do fail? What happens if everyone thinks I suck? What happens if someone I look up to in the genre I am writing judges me too harshly? Well, I feel certain that there will be those that don’t think much of my skills but that only means that there are some who will be absolutely thrilled by my wordsmithery.
Therein lays my other fear. I am terrified of success as well. While this may sound stupid to some of you, it is a big fear of mine. As much as I wish and hope it happens. The reason is I would have to market myself probably in public. I am not very good at speaking in public to people focused on me directly, and what if it is a smashing success and I have to go on a talk show and talk about my book? Holy Crap! Would I be brave enough? Would I sound like a babbling idiot?
I guess there is no reason to worry over things that haven’t even happened yet right? That would be mom’s advice on that subject. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Well, she has always given me good advice. I think I’ll take her good advice and “get it in gear”.